Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
