I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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