well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
