I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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