I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
