I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
