dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
