I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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