there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
