Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
