I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
