the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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