dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
