I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
