If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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