Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's rum buckets o'clock
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
