Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
