so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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