I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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