DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
