Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
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Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
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