Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
