I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
