She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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