all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
