he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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