wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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