I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
