i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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