hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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