Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I deserve this hangover.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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