I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
