ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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