Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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