she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
