She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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