Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
