Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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