If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
