Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
