I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
