I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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