let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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