who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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