Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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