worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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