he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So vagazzling was a success
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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