sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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