There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother