this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have