I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dating After Heartbreak
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line