My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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