soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
