the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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