Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
